My Very Unexpected Return to God

If you had told me a few years ago that I would one day reconnect with God, prayer, Christianity, faith, and spiritual structure, I probably would have laughed.

I used to be deeply anti-religion. To me, religion represented oppression, guilt, anti-science thinking, war, and systems that often kept women and people who don’t fit the “norm” small, judged, or discriminated against. I saw hypocrisy everywhere. And honestly, a lot of that criticism still feels valid to me today.

At the same time, something started shifting in me over the last year. And this year, the shift became impossible to ignore.

Motherhood changed me deeply.

As I started questioning the way I wanted to live, I also started questioning the beliefs and frameworks I had built my identity around for most of my life - including both religion and feminism.

And strangely enough, I realized that the two were connected more than I thought.

I still deeply believe in equality, safety, respect, equal opportunities, and equal worth between men, women, and people living all kinds of different lifestyles. That has not changed and never will. Feminism to me always meant that women should be safe, respected, financially independent if they want to be, and free to make their own choices in life.

But over time, I also realized that I had unconsciously started associating strength with hyper-independence.

Don’t rely on anyone.Don’t need anyone.Don’t surrender.Always prove yourself.

And while independence can absolutely be empowering, becoming a mother forced me to confront how exhausted I was from carrying everything alone emotionally, mentally, financially, and energetically.

Somewhere along the way, I had disconnected from softness, trust, grounding, surrender, and connection to something bigger than myself.

I no longer wanted a life built entirely around pressure, survival mode, achievement, productivity, image, and constant self-reliance.

And maybe this is where my views around relationships also began changing.

I realized that despite still believing in equality, I no longer deeply desired the kind of relationship dynamic where everything feels emotionally and financially “50/50” all the time. I found myself craving a calmer and more grounded dynamic where the man takes more of a leading, protective, and providing role emotionally and financially.

That does not mean I suddenly want to become submissive, lose my identity, stop working, or become dependent without a voice. I still want partnership, mutual respect, independence, contribution, and freedom. But I no longer want to feel like I constantly have to carry the entire emotional and practical weight of life alone in order to prove my worth.

For a long time, I associated these desires with weakness or betrayal of feminism. Now I don’t see it that way anymore.

To me, healthy masculinity is not dominance or control. Healthy masculinity means responsibility, leadership, integrity, emotional safety, consistency, protection, kindness, groundedness, and values.

At the same time, I also started changing the way I view religion and Christianity.

I came to accept that maybe I don’t need to embrace every single part of religion or the Bible in order to practice Christianity - at least that’s how I see it in this moment.

I think life is always yin and yang. There is light and darkness in everything. So why would religion be any different?

There are positives and negatives to everything in life, and I think it’s completely normal to have doubts about religion and not follow things blindly. I will always be a critical thinker. But I want to embrace the beautiful, soul-filling parts of Christianity without turning a blind eye to the aspects I personally struggle with or question.

I actually believe God wants us to think critically and live with conviction - to choose what genuinely resonates with our conscience and soul instead of blindly following rules out of fear.

And despite all my resistance toward religion for most of my life, I slowly started feeling deeply drawn back toward God and Christianity in a personal way.

Not in a rigid or dogmatic way. Not in a “suddenly I agree with every institution or interpretation” kind of way. I still question things deeply. I still think critically. I still struggle with many aspects of organized religion and don’t agree with everything.

But I started reconnecting with the beautiful parts of faith: love, grace, humility, forgiveness, discipline, prayer, moral grounding, trust, community, and living with more intention.

And the strange thing is - when I look back, I realize this connection was always somewhere inside me.

As a child, I used to hide under my bed with a Bible and pray alone. I was maybe six or seven years old. Nobody taught me to do that. My family wasn’t religious. But somehow, even as a child, I felt comfort in speaking to God.

Over time, I lost that connection.

But now at 35, I feel pulled back toward it again.

I want a life that feels less driven by pressure, distraction, superficiality, fear, and constant stress. I want more peace, presence, kindness, discipline, family values, and trust in something bigger than myself. I want to learn to give my worries to God, creator, life - whatever you want to call it - instead of carrying everything alone all the time.

And honestly, it has already changed me in small but meaningful ways.

For example, over the last weeks I’ve naturally started eating much healthier - not because I want to look perfect or punish myself, but because I genuinely started seeing my body and health as gifts that deserve care and respect.

Even my thoughts feel different lately. When I catch myself judging someone or speaking negatively about someone, I immediately pause and think: this is not the kind of energy I want to contribute to the world.

Not because I’m trying to be “perfect,” but because I want to become softer, kinder, calmer, more disciplined, and more conscious in the way I move through life.

And this is where I think faith can be incredibly powerful.

Not as fear.Not as superiority.Not as control.Not as blind obedience.

But as an external framework that helps guide us toward love, integrity, humility, discipline, gratitude, forgiveness, and presence.

For me personally, it feels easier to become a better human being when I’m not only doing it for myself or my ego, but for the growth of my soul and connection to the energy that created all of us.

That is becoming what matters most to me.

I think faith can help people become softer, kinder, more intentional, more humble, more loving, more disciplined, and more conscious in the way they treat others and move through life. Not out of fear, but out of love and awareness.

This shift has also changed the kind of relationship I want.

I no longer want emotional chaos, casualness, avoidance of commitment, constant distraction, or relationships built entirely around individualism and ego. I want depth, intentionality, commitment, marriage, shared values, and a grounded family life.

And maybe most importantly, this journey has changed how I think about raising my son.

I don’t want to force religion onto him. I want him to think critically, ask questions, explore different perspectives, and ultimately make his own decisions about faith and life.

But I do want him to grow up with kindness, gratitude, compassion, grounding, moral values, prayer, love, meaning, and awareness that life is bigger than social media, image, achievement, and consumption.

I think having some kind of spiritual framework can actually help us raise children in a more intentional and loving way - while still fully respecting their freedom to become their own person.

Because if I’m honest, I often wished I had more of that growing up myself.

And maybe that’s the biggest surprise of all.

My return to God did not make me smaller.

It made me softer, calmer, more intentional, more grounded, more reflective, and more connected to myself and others.

And for the first time in a very long time, I feel like I’m slowly building a life that is not only successful on the outside, but aligned on the inside too.